Vic finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Vic. "You had no tools or hardware." "How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Vic is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Vic looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Vic goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch Tennessee football from here?
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Mary's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
HIGH TECH HILLBILLY
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my
pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to
his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
This is yo' Mama. I'm writin' this here letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washin' machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. They just went around and around and disappeared down the hole.
The weather ain't bad here. It only rain twicet last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you. Your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We was really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days!
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other
five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws.
Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg schleps over to
the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks
what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) had a second terrible quarter. Business was down 20% for the first time in company history, and the Colonel had some tough decisions to make. As the executives of KFC were discussing possible solutions to the problems, the Colonel's eyes lit up. He had a great idea for promotion. He knew the Pope in Rome. They met many times. So he left the conference room, called the Pope, and was connected immediately.
"Your Eminence and my dear friend, I have a terrible problem and I need your help. KFC's business is down and I will have to lay off hundreds of people. There is one thing that could save us. If you could make a tiny change in the Lord's Prayer, and change "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken", our problems would be solved, and I could donate to the church $10 million dollars each year."
"I am sorry that I cannot help you" - said the Pope - "The Lord's Prayer is the most important prayer for us and we could not possibly change it."
A year went by and KFC's business just kept going down like a rock. Just before laying off thousands, the Colonel flew to Rome to visit the Pope. It was difficult for him to get an appointment, because the College of Cardinals, the managing body of the Catholic Church was about to meet, and the Pope was very busy with the usual preparations. But he gave his friend the Colonel five minutes.
"Your Eminence, my good friend," - said the Colonel - "I am sorry to bother you at such a busy time, but we will have to close our business effecting thousands of families, unless I can get your help. Could you please change the Lord's Prayer just a little from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken". It would solve our problems and I could donate to the church $100 million dollars each year.
"Well my friend" - said the Pope - "We could do a lot with an additional $100 million each year, but I do not believe that I can help you. I am sorry that I have no time for you now, but give me a call after the College of Cardinals Meeting is over and we can chat about old times."
The next morning the College of Cardinals Meeting started promptly at 8 AM, with the Pope making some introductory remarks.
"We have been having some serious financial problems in recent years, with a drop in church donations by the public. So I have some good news and some bad news for you."
"KFC, a large American corporation decided to donate to us $100 million dollars each year. It will solve our own financial problems, and we will be able to do many good things for thousands of families as a result."
An impatient cardinal stood up and yelled from the rear: "But what is the bad news your Eminence?"
"We lost the Wonder Bread account" - said the Pope with a sad face.
"I took the day off of work and decided to go out golfing. I was
on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the
I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone, so
I tried again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." I looked around and saw a frog about 5 feet away. Decided
to prove the frog wrong, put the other club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit a birdie! I was shocked. Then I said to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog!" The frog reply was
"Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
So I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What
do you think frog?", I asked. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
I took out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one!! I was really
befuddled and didn't know what to say. By the end of the day, I
golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "Ok where to
next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas".
So we went to Vegas and I said, "Ok frog, now what?" The
frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table I asked," what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit
$3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this
would win but after the golf game, I figured what the heck.
Boom!!! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
So I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". So I figured why not, since after all
the frog did for me he deserved it. All of a sudden the frog turns
into the most gorgeous and voluptuous 15 year old girl in the world!
...and that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton".
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent
they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through
with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he
passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head
of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight onto one cheek and let one go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He
got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows
shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the
flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time
with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who
would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the
first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn
up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!"
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet -- Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in
half and hour. But 'm rechecking my answers.
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
The blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and
St. Peter addresses the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether
or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the
The priest stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi-driver and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff?? How can this be????"
"Up here, we work by results," said St. Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an
enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece
of firewood but find nothing.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. The computer was down at the Pearly Gates that day. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, we've no room in that category, -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going
great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here right now!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right."
"And just where do you think you are going to find a lawyer?"
A 35 year old lawyer, Stevie Goldstein died and was standing in front of the pearly gates.
He stood there and cried "Why me; why me? I'm too young to die!"
And then a big voice boomed out from the other side "If you were the same age as all the hours you'd billed over the years to your customers, then you'd be 120 by now!!"
Bubba's Letter...or...My New House...Take Your Pick
Guess whut? Th' classiess restaurant in th' wo'ld is called Chuckey Cheese. ah live in Chuckey, Tennessee in a sin'le wide trailer thass 165 year old, whar this hyar famous restaurant was discovahed.
We c'd share th' trailer eff'n yo' want. Th' outhouse is only ha'f-mile away. By th' time yo' make it thar, yo' pow'ful hafta hoof it real bad on account o' yo' hafta climb rocks uphill, ah reckon. AND downhill too.
Sometimes when ah's peacefully readin' torn up noospapers in th' outhouse, a bear opens th' dore an' growls. Thet's jest bar talk fo' " Whut in tarnation is yo' doin'? " .
Howevah, he kinnot take th' smell too long an' then jest runs away wifout sayin' fine goo'bye.
Th' green flies in th' outhouse hole is mighty bad. They bite mah booty pow'ful hard, like 20 at a time. They attack like wo'ld war two fighter planes in large groups fum unner th' hole.
Th' green fly bites itch ALL THE TIME, so ah walk aroun' town scratchin' it wif one of them Chinese bamboo back scratchers fum th' side so thet peoples doesn't see me scratchin' mahse'f in town o' in church wif mah han's.
Mah sin'le wide has some holes in th' roof, which is mighty romannic when one sees th' stars. In th' rain, it leaks right on mah bed, so thet ah doesn't hafta hoof it to th' creek a mile away t'have a bath twicet ev'ry month.
Excuse mah spellin'. ah graduated fourth grade right hyar in Chuckey, Tennessee an' won th' spellin' bee in Tennessee. It was a real bee, an' it stung mah privates. When ah went t'th' horspital, mo'e an' mo'e nurses wanted t'see it, looked at it an' touched it t'find out eff'n it was painful, which was mighty kind of them, dawgone it. They were laughin' at th' same time. Evidently, they like t'tell funny jokes t'etch other. They sh'd tell them t'me, doesn't yo' reckon so?
THAT makes me reckon of snakes. ah see some hansum snakes on th' way t'th' Creek. Shet mah mouth! Like th' ones wif right purdy colo'ed ban's. Then thar is a fat black one in th' Creek who opens its trimenjus mouth, which is white like cotton, as enny fool kin plainly see. He is tryin' t'say howdy, but he has no voice jest some crazy soun'. Thar is also some long brown snakes who is mighty friendly. They hiss, which is howdy in their language an' wave t'yo' wif their tail makin' noise wif it. Thet is definitely a trimenjus howdy! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!
ah walk into town fo' some grub, an' ah try all th' stores. One day, ah was mighty hungry an' ah had t'git some grub mighty late, mebbe af'er midnight. Don't haf a watch an' it was dark. Shet mah mouth! Thar was a pow'ful weird sto'e called Adult Sto'e thet was open, as enny fool kin plainly see. Wal, ah's an adult, so ah thunk ah w'd git mah grub thar. Then ah walked in, as enny fool kin plainly see.
JESUS CHRISTMAS! Fry mah hide! Private parts all on over one wall, ah guess made fo' peoples wifout private parts! How crazy is thet??? But NO FOOD! Fry mah hide!! Not even some beer. ah nevah sar ennythin' thet crazy. They had mo'e than a hundred diffrunt pow'ful weird rings also. They gave me one t'try so ah put it on mah finger. It warn't even shiny an' ah c'd not even chop firewood ef ah had sech a crazy rin' like thet on mah finger. They wanted five bucks fo' it! Fry mah hide!! Really expensive. At least, ah knows whar t'buy a rin' when ah decide t'marry up wif Daisy-May. Thar were a lot of peoples thar buyin' thin's. So menny peoples wifout private parts?! Fry mah hide! Wifout th' private parts, ah guess an' menny mo'e buyin' weird rin's. This hyar was th' craziess sto'e ah evah sar in mah life.
ah doesn't haf enny chairs, but ah have a trimenjus bed, so thass whar we set aroun' an' talk o' jest look at th' stars. Sometimes th' leg on mah bed busts an' ah have t'go an' find some stick o' sumpin outside in th' dark. Shet mah mouth!
Once both legs busted on th' same side, an' ah pow'ful hurt by behind, ah hit th' flore so hard, cuss it all t' tarnation. Daisy-May got so mad, thet she jest slammed th' dore hard thet th' remainin' hingi busted off an' th' dore jest fell down into th' mud on account o' it was rainin' too. She weighs 300 poun's she said once. ah almost lost th' entire side of mah sin'le wide. Thet woomin is pow'ful strong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Gave me a black eye mo'e than once. An kick mah privates real ha'd too. Th' dore fallin' off is mighty bad on account o' th' bars is nosey an' jest look right in t'see whut's goin on, as enny fool kin plainly see. They tried t'open th' dore almos ev'ry night. ah like them a lot, but too much friendliness is too much.
Befo'e ah fo'git, we haf the dawgoned-est purdy spiders in th' sin'le wide thet yo' kin imagine. They is shiny an' black, an' they haf a right purdy red drawin' o' sumpin on their hide. An' th' red on black looks mighty purdy. ah's sho'nuff thet yo' will like it too.
So when is yo' a-gonna visit?